November 2012
1 post
EMAIL DAN SAVAGE →
Dan Savage write in his column this week that “there is no such thing as a person who is poly” and that non monogamy is a sexual choice and behavior rather than identity. If you disagree because you or someone you know identifies as poly or mono, let him know that it’s inappropriate to claim that certain people’s identities are not real.
His point is that all people are...
September 2012
16 posts
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Proselytizer
polyamorousmisanthrope:
Question for the readers. Do you consider it part of your identity as a poly person to attempt to grow the movement?
Abso-fucking-lutely NOT. I actually feel more that it’s my responsibility to demonstrate that poly people can be respectful of other people’s choices, because we’re getting a reputation for proselytizing and it’s not good. No one...
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My hubby and I have been together for almost 2 years, he is married. His wife and I get along splendidly, except when it comes to intimacy between hubby and I. She gets extremely pissed off whenever we do as little as hug in front of her. Kissing is completely out of the question, even if it’s just a peck. Yet she’s allowed to both hug and kiss him in my presence, which I don’t...
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10 Realistic Rules for Good Non-Monogamous... →
10 Realistic Rules for Good Non-Monogamous Relationships by Andrea Zanin (Please note I said good poly. Anyone can do poly badly, but I don’t advise it.)
1. Know yourself. 2. Love yourself. 3. Be happy ALONE. 4. Communicate. Honestly. 5. Know what you want. 6. Go for content, not form. 7. Be nice. 8. Have safer sex. 9. Be strong. 10. Go with the flow.
There’s a great essay...
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My spouse and partner of seven years is poly. I guess she’s held it in for years because it hasn’t been much of an issue or a subject of the relationship until she has fallen in love, or at least a strong crush, on another individual. Now she wants to redraw the relationship. I’m mono. Not just that, I have trouble viewing sex casually, or as anything but a deeply emotional and...
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Judith Butler, in an interview with Xtra →
Relevant to my latest post on John Corvino’s short-sighted focus on “joining the club” as the nexus of his fight for “equality:”
Xtra: The relationship between queers and the state has always been a strained one, and I wonder if in the struggle of dealing with Israeli policy, I wonder if queers are already cynical of the state, writ large. JB: Yeah, well, you know, I...
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Questions!
fyeahaltrelationships:
Doing a bit of research for a video I’m making.
If you’re in an open/poly relationship, what misconceptions or questions have you had aimed at you about it?
If you’re not, what questions might you have for someone who is? What misconceptions have you had about open or poly relationships? What do you struggle to understand about them?
I’m not wanting to judge anyone for...
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Polyamorous Visibility in the Social Sphere
tangledaxon:
Most of my more-than-bullet-point posts seem to spontaneously generate in the shower, and today that led me to some wet-haired poly ponderings about presentation and the social sphere.
Namely, that I don’t consent to being presented as monogamous.
Hypothetical Example: A friend introduces me to her parents, and during the getting-to-know-you conversation, said friend introduces me...
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It wasn’t until after I’d been in a relationship with my fiancee for a while that I realized I’m polyamorous. I’ve talked to her about it and she says she’s at least willing to consider the idea, but I don’t know what I should do if she decides she wants a monogamous relationship. It just feels like an unnatural state of things for me, but I don’t want to...
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I’ve asked a couple questions in the past and I really appreciate your advice. My next question mostly has to do with jealousy. I’m hitting a wall (like the great wall of china sized wall) when it comes to attempting to rationalize away my jealousy. I want my wife to be happy but I want to be happy too. It’s really the only thing left that I’m having a REALLY big problem...
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I recently talked to my partner about being poly and I don’t think he really understands. Do you have any good articles or resources you could point me to to help him along?
I really need to make a Resources page. In the meantime:
Grab a copy of The Ethical Slut - it’s a great introduction for people just starting out with polyamory. Other people like Opening Up, but I’m less...
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Fuck that advice you gave to that guy who’s girlfriend wants to practice one-sided Poly. Polyandary [sic] is already rare enough, don’t disparage her! Men need to know how it feels to be a part of a harem and for women to be in power for once, he needs to check his privilege. He’s not the woman in the relationship, therefore his opinion doesn’t matter and I can’t...
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What do you suggest when one partner in a primary relationship is envious that the other partner gets more dates or interest from others?
That is tough! One problem that can really suck the life out of a polyamorous relationship is competitiveness - feeling like you’re competing with your partner, or their other partners - but it’s a difficult mental rut to climb out of.
One thing I...
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Three Person Civil Union Sparks Controversy in... →
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I have returned!
I apologize for the month-long hiatus. I am now settled into my new house and my new job and my new city and all sorts of new things - so this blog will be back up and running starting this week! Send any questions in here.
July 2012
23 posts
Hey all,
I am currently in the process of moving into a new house and starting a new job, so some of the questions I’ve gotten this week will be a little late with their answers. I still love all of you!
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Hey! For some time now my boyfriend and I have been in a monogamous relationship with each other…well so I thought. We have been together for 7 months and I recently found out that he sleeps with his bestfriend/companion/ex-boyfriend. Basically, they used to have feelings for each other and now it is close friendship with cuddling and the occasional mutual masturbation. However, most...
7 tags
I’ve sent a couple questions and just wanted to say thank you for your answers! They have really helped me. I’m still having issues dealing with all the physical stuff but I’m working on it. I guess my question would be, do you know of any solid ways to deal with the jealousy? I know communication is key (and we will be doing A LOT of communicating) but should I take up a hobby...
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Hello Poly Advice. I’m a young woman that has been practicing polyamory for over half a year now, but only recently have I been branching out to be the crazy sex animal I want to be. I’ve connected with a few of the people I have gone on dates and met with and such, and a few of them identify as monogamous, but are willing to try, or looking for something new, or wanting to explore,...
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Some Follow-Up for the Triad
Earlier today I advised a triad who was worried about legal marriage and health insurance. I also want to point out that nothing turns apathy into advocacy better than knowing someone affected by an issue. If you do decide to have a marriage ceremony between any two members of your triad, or if you decide to have a non-legally-binding ceremony, you might want to include a little section in your...
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Been with my fiance for 6 years. My best friend moved in with us and slowly we both realized we were seriously in love with her. She realized she loved us and a polyamorous relationship was born. There was a lot of talking beforehand, figuring out what we’re comfortable with and whatnot and it’s working really well. I am incredibly in love with her and my fiance… here’s the...
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Im a young girl. I don’t know if i want to try poly life style or if I just want to try new things. Im only 16, but i have seen dating or having a relationship with one or more people at a time as a very normal thing.
Sixteen is the best time to try new things. The best time! You have nothing to lose, and your only job is to have a lot of fun and do your best to grow into an awesome person....
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do you know any good sites for two girls who are starting the process of finding a third person for the first time ever?
I am not an expert in online dating since I have never done it, but I know lots of poly folk have had good luck on OKCupid. You could also try the subreddit r/polyamory and poly forums, like the Poly Forums and Polyamory Online. I don’t belong to any of these forums,...
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I’m in a mono relationship, but I want to try opening it up a bit, and maybe experience polyamory. How should I bring up this topic with my partner? we’ve talked about an open relationship if we were forced into long distance, but never in our current situation. I’m just nervous because they are sometimes insecure and jealous, and I don’t want to trigger that reaction.
The...
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Your advice on my situation (The college student in the LDR) was MUCH appreciated and more useful than you can imagine. It really helped me realize that these feelings I’m having are normal, and I shouldn’t be putting myself through the cycle of emotions that you brilliantly mapped out. Thank you for giving me the courage to step out of my comfort zone and pursue not only my happiness,...
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Hi! I’m really new to the whole idea of being polyamorous. I’m currently in college, and my boyfriend of 4 years goes to college in our hometown about 3 hours away. This is the man I love to death and can see myself/want to marry. However, the distance is starting to get to me. When I’m home, it doesn’t affect our sex life at all, but I only go home about once every two...
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In your experience, is it normal to experience some sort of jealousy towards your partner’s other partners? I don’t experience it often, but it did spring up last time I was hanging out with my partner. I’ve only been involved with this man for a month and I’m too nervous to bring it up.
Jealousy is normal, of course! It’s part of the spectrum of human emotion, and...
ANNOUNCEMENT:
From now on I’m going to change the format of the advice column to make it rebloggable and to enable replies. Instead of publishing asks, I’ll just paste the text into a new post. I’ll make every letter anonymous UNLESS you let me know you want me to include your tumblr URL.
As always, send me feedback about the blog’s format, accessibility, and other features here.
squishtestedbiffleapproved-deac asked: If there is no sign-off then no. Like you said, even if there wasn't a relationship all roommates need to be informed of possible changes and given time to decide if they are okay with that. In this situation, I'd call leaving time. When your feelings are not being considered, you're not in a safe relationship.
42rats asked: To the Anon with the girlfriend/new guy - my major issue is that she won't let you be poly. That's beyond possessive and will lead to a TON of trouble, even if everything else works out. If a parter starts trying to restrict what you can and can't do (especially if they are doing it) that normally means they are becoming abusive. You could have a very major problem on your hands so....
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Anonymous asked: My girlfriend recently told me that she wanted to be polyamorous and there is a new guy who is going to be living with us soon. We were talking about the relationship yesterday and I said "well what if I fall in love with someone else?" and she said, "I don't think I would be comfortable with that." which I thought was pretty messed up and said so. She is asking me to...
Anonymous asked: I sent my question in an email a while back
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has-a-lot-to-offer-anatomically asked: So I'm in a polyamorous relationship with a couple that I met online. The fact that they're in Australia and I'm in the States adds an additional element of hardship as a long-distance relationship. I love them both immensely but I have no idea how to tell my family. I don't think that my mom is quite understanding of the concept of online friends, let alone the fact that I...
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Suck it, slut shamers: Non-monogamous people at... →
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Polyamory and STIs
Someone recently asked me how non-monogamous people can protect themselves from STIs, and I figured I’d share the information in a longer-format essay as well.
Understand Your Risk. Different flavors of non-monogamy carry different STI risks. If you’re practicing polyfidelity, and/or your network is a closed loop of partners, everyone should be tested, and when they come up clean,...
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42rats asked: Hi! I'm rather new to the idea of being poly. My parents have always told me that regular STI/STD testing (for me and my partner) is a good idea before and during a relationship. My question is - if I have more then one partner, and they have one than one as well, how far should I ask for testing? Should I just ask my partners, or should I also say that I need to know their own partners have...
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Anonymous asked: Ever since my significant other told me that they were polyamorous, I've had a hard time with feeling like I'm being brushed off for the new relationship. At the same time, I don't want to make them feel like they are stuck in the middle of two people's problems. This is all very new to me and I'm working REALLY hard to get over my personal insecurities about being in a...
June 2012
25 posts
Anonymous asked: Hey! I'm the open monogamist going out with the poly guy. I just wanted to let you know that our conversation went well! We talked about our limits and the importance of safe sex practices. He even took initiative and apologized for not informing me about the other girl sooner. It was a difficult conversation because I was afraid I would come across as sounding jealous, but it went very...
Need more Poly-family/amory/friendly blogs to...
prince-vermin:
If you blog about Polyamorous issues, rights, or anything pertaining to the issues therein, reblog so I can follow you.
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oxytocinaddict asked: I'm new to poly and have really connected with a man. We've been seeing each other for a few months and he wants me to meet his wife, though I initially declined. She and I spoke on the phone and she told me he'd gone poly without consulting her and is ruining their marriage by ignoring his responsibilities (they live mostly separately at the moment). I feel I'm being caught...
Note:
I’m going to the East Coast for five days to visit one of my boys, which is why I just dumped three asks on you guys. I won’t be around for a while & I’ll answer any questions when I get back!
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Anonymous asked: My friend is poly. i'm sort of confused by the semantics of it. he say's he is poly and has primaries but neither of those two are in a relationship with him. wouldn't that just be friends with benefits?
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studdedbeauty asked: I got into a polyamory relationship with a good friend of mine, everything's fine with him and I. the only problem is the girl he's been seeing has gotten jealous of me being around him and now her and I must stay away from each other. Do you think in the long run that things wont go down hill or should I just step out of it all together?
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daysturnbluetogrey asked: Hi! God I'm glad I found this. I'm in a bit of a strange situation at the minute. My boyfriend and I have been thinking about looking for a mutual girlfriend for a while. We just found one. Only problem is I'm abroad and not home for a month, so their relationship has started before mine and hers, and the one between us three. I don;t have a question, I just need to tell someone!...
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Anonymous asked: My girlfriend and I are interested in polyfidelity (polyexclusivity) and have talked about it long enough to decide we are ready to try it. I know you personally keep your relationships separate, but is there any recommendations you in how to tell other people that we are both interested in them?
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Anonymous asked: A man that I'm getting involved with identifies as being poly. I don't fully identify as being poly, more like open monogamy. I know to make it work we're going to need a lot of communication. He's recently getting involved with another girl. I found out via a status update and he has yet to tell me directly. I don't know how to go about starting the conversation. I sent...
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Anonymous asked: I think I'm polyamorous, and want to tell my partner because I can't stand him not knowing, and I love him dearly but lately I feel a strong attachment for another as well and I'm worried I might act on it before I can voice my sexuality. The problem is, he's the jealous type. I don't want to lose him, and part of me wants to stay quiet until I've figured out...
